I can’t take it anymore.

It’s midnight…I’ve been waiting for this moment for hours, I’ve been waiting for this moment for days, I’ve been waiting for this moment for months…

I wrote the sentences in my mind while sitting in the bus going to work every single morning; I erased the sentences in my mind while sitting in the bus coming back home every single evening; I changed the sentences every single time I talked to you, I listened to you and I merely looked at you…

There was an illusion that the capacity is unlimited, meaning you can take as much as it comes; meaning you can handle it as hard as it gets; meaning you can live with it as cruel as it can be; though, this was an illusion!

I can’t take it anymore, I can’t handle anymore, I can’t live it anymore!

call me weak, call me fragile, call me pathetic, call me broken, call me whatever you want… I can’t take it anymore, I can’t handle anymore, I can’t live it anymore!

Since I remember when I was a kid, around New Year time, there was a video tape going around coming from the others live over the seas: singing, dancing, wishing to celebrate the next new year in their home country and sing and dance with their fellows and families…more than 30 years passed and none of those people saw their land again! Never thought I will one day become one of those over seas people who wish to celebrate new year with their fellows and families in their home land, but here I am: it’s been 2 years, 2 bloody years that I have not been home and God knows how many more years is going to come…

It is the day that we are going to announce the winners of our contest; yet, it’s a lie to say that I have hopes…I’m sorry to let you down, I can’t take it anymore.

‘people’ getting married...

Friday morning…almost noon: the fresh Dutch breeze on my face, the gentle birds’ melody in my ear, and the soft sunlight on my skin. Sounds to be a good Friday noon…indeed.

‘People’ getting married on this day and it seems the whole world is watching. I am wondering whether ‘this’ whole world was watching the news when protestors and demonstrators were being shot down in different corners of the world…I think they did watch the news but most of them kept drinking the rest of their coffee, refresh their make up, smoked another cigarette, set their next date, followed the football match, had another bite of their sandwich, gazed at the beautiful body passing their seat at the café, and in one sentence continued their lives. What else could they do? That’s what has happened throughout the whole history, isn’t it?

My quest with this contest is almost toward the end: the essays are in, the jury is reading and assessing, probably there will be a conference announcing the winners and a closing ceremony.

What is the next step? Or before that: what have I achieved with this? Spamming you for a while, loosing some friends who did not want to be spammed!
What have we done?
Why have we done this?
For human right?
For humanity?
For sake of doing something?
For nothing?

I can ask the same questions about why the whole world needs to watch ‘people’ getting married.

I got life, and I'm going to keep it…

The refresh button has been clicked so many times on Ali’s screen and mine so many

times over the last 24 hours; with joy, with pain, with excitement, with boredom, with

patience, with edginess…the deadline arrived and I sing “…ain’t got no home, ain’t

got no…what I have got nobody can take away?”

I read the lines in the email:

…I just noticed your contest in the newspaper here in Canada, and realized that it

ends in 2 hours. I was just wondering if you do this sort of thing every year, because I

would love to attend it…

…the muscles on my face move…I believe it’s called smile…

“…ain’t no money, ain’t no name…”

Someone from Nigeria wrote:

…the internet went down, my essay is on its way though; can I have an extension?

…phone conversations late at night: ´we can extend the deadline, can’t we?!’

So here is the news, if you have missed the deadline, your chance is not lost yet:

NEW DEADLINE:

14th April 2011

9:00 PM GMT

Write, write and write…

I got life, and I'm going to keep it [1]…

[1] This piece is inspired by Nina Simon’s song titled Ain’t Got No, I Got Life

…one more time…

You have read the news today, haven’t you?!

If you follow the news on none-biased media, you must have noticed how selective the human rights have been? Or perhaps it has been like this forever, and I, naively, have thought that this was not the case before? or at least not all the times...

I still have not recovered from the Thursday news, let alone the reports about what has happened in Iraq this morning…tell me you know what I am talking about, you have read the news today, right?

…one more time, we have experienced that human life has no value when it comes to political agendas…

…excuse me; I’m too down to write…I’m too hopeless to write…I’m too broken to write…

…one more time…it is the toughest thing to do, to close my eyes…have you closed yours?!

What went through his mind in the last moment?

I used to have a simple life:

making plans,
following the plans,
making new plans

…no distraction, no interruption, everything was very simple and according to the plan…

This, was before I do “activism”[1].

This activism has made me extremely tired[2] and yet I am not among the ones whose lives have tremendously changed after the Presidential Election in Iran in June 2009; I am not among the ones who have spent every single moment of their lives to make a change in the system; I am not among the ones who had to leave their home after the election to save their lives; I am not among the ones whose dreams have been vanished and gone…yet, I am extremely exhausted and tired…I promised myself to leave this way of living soon, to go back to my simple life, to go back to live according to the plan, for my own sanity and for my child…I promised myself that IPY International Essay Contest will be my last project in so called “activism”…I did promise this to myself…yet, I am afraid I’m going to disappoint myself and break my promise as I read this headline news this morning:

The man who set himself on fire yesterday in Amsterdam at Dam Square, died in the hospital this morning. The 36-years old man was an Iranian asylum seeker whose case was rejected and closed!

One question has been going through my mind over and over:

“what went through his mind in the last moment?”

It seems life is not going to be simple, or as simple as it used to be…unless…unless there is a change...

---

[1] Point of clarification: I have mentioned before that I am not an activist or academic. Doing activism is not necessarily equal to being an activist, at least, by my definition.

[2] As I wrote in my first post, these are my confessions…so I confess: I am extremely tired…

There is a fire starting in my heart...

…indeed there is a fire starting in my heart[1]…actually there has been a fire in my heart since that bloody election…some days it reaches the pitch and pushes me to the edge…but don’t get me wrong: I’m not gonna give up…the fire burns me inside out, but… I’m not gonna give up…

Since June 2009 this has been the ‘basic information’ about me on the social network:

..."I move on" that's a fact, as the clouds do in my little sky...but every single night when I go to bed, with or without you, I think to myself how big of a crime is to ask "where is my VOTE?"...

There is a fire in my heart…

This post is to the ones who are in power, the ones who are unlawfully and illegitimately in power:

We have seen you crystal clear…the world has seen you crystal clear…don’t underestimate the things that we will do…the scares of your brutality and hostility on our bodies and minds; yet, our souls are ours and you can never ever break that…

There is a fire in my heart…

You are gonna wish, never had done this to us…you think you have made a home down there, but Iran is ours and for sure won’t be shared with you…we have the truth on our side…the future is ours since the change is in “our” hands…

There is a fire starting in OUR hearts…

---

[1] The title is taken from the song “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele. This whole post is inspired by this song.

for her…for him…for you…for me…

I’ve been facebooking all day, since morning that I opened my eyes and updated my status by this dialogue:

The doctor: take one every night till the 10^th week.
The pharmacist: do you want a pack of 30 or 90?
Myself: 90.
Me: don’t let me down…

...and the whole day went like this, about book donations, about Juliano Mer Khamis, about Spring Dance, about IPY’s announcement on Enduring America…

Though in all these hours one post constantly reappeared on Facebook LiveFeed: Bahareh Hedayat’s 30^th Birthday, she is not much older than me, just a few months…I proudly introduced her to the audience last year on Iranian National Students’ Day, in the conference that IPY held at Delft University, Focus Iran II…I listened to her speech over and over…over the last year, I listened to her speech over and over…very soon after that speech she was arrested…

I keep reading about her, I keep writing about her…I keep writing about him…I keep writing about you…I keep writing about me…

This – this contest and anything else that I do – is for her…is for him…is for you…is for me…I won’t let her hair turn to the colour of her teeth in prison…

Keep writing…

It’s the time…it’s the time to introduce you to our jury…

This post is going to be short and dense.

It is my honour to introduce you to the JURY of Iranian Progressive Youth’s International Essay Contest 2011.

(in alphabetic order)
Francesco Maiolo - University College Utrecht (Assistant Professor - Political Science);

Marietje Schaake - European Parliament (D66 political party, the social-liberals from the Netherlands);

Herman Tak - Roosevelt Academy (Associate Professor - European Anthropology);

Arjen de Wolff - Executive Director of Radio Zamaneh;

and IPY’s Board.

Have you ever imagined that your work could have been assessed and evaluated by such a mix and diverse group?

Don’t miss the chance…

step 3…

I received an email two days ago from someone in Tunisia! She/he wanted to know whether the contest is open for non-Iranians as well; and of course the answer is YES.

I also received an email from someone in Pennsylvania…and another email from…and another one from…

The call for essays for this contest has gone through most of the Dutch Universities and University Colleges in the Netherlands and some had promoted our contest directly as well, for instance, Amsterdam University College made a publication about this contest in its Weekly Announcement, Roosevelt Academy also made an announcement on their Facebook Page about this contest, The Alumni Association of University College Utrecht also published this contest on their website.

Almost all the European Student Associations (including UK) have been contacted as well and we have received positive and supportive responses from many of them to name a few: The Student Association of University of Luxembourg, The Student Union of Latvia, The Student Associations in Italy, International Student Offices throughout Scotland.

Some Universities in United States have also been contacted, through our personal network and Prof. Moalem from UC Berkeley, department of Gender and Women’s Studies took the lead in promoting this contest among her students… and same with some Universities in Australia.

Moreover organizations like:

AWID: Association For Women’s Right In Development;

Dena Publication in the Netherlands;

Expatica: News and Information for the International Community;

Radio Zamaneh;

Enduring America;

Arseh Sevom;

Mezrab: the Cultural Centre in East Amsterdam;

United4Iran;

…and others...have also kindly promoted our International Essay Contest through their websites and networks.

How have you been informed? And who have you informed afterwards? It’s a chain…pass it on…

I’m nervous…

This is the last day of March…the 10 days count down is gonna start in an hour…I’m nervous, so is Ali.

We keep writing here and there, talking to different groups, promoting the contest wherever we can; yet, we are both nervous…

The success of this contest is not in our hands, this project is absolutely a ‘result-oriented’ project, the process does not matter that much to be honest…the number of essays that we get matters, the quality of the essays that we get matters…this makes me nervous cos I do not have that much of control over this, I have to wait and wait and wait...till the deadline…

...

Are you still following?!

Your audience...

Do you write often?
Do you write on regular basis?
Do you write on regular basis for a weblog?
Do you write on regular basis for your thesis?
Do you write on regular basis for a radio?
Do you write on regular basis for a column in a newspaper/newsletter?
Do you write often?

And if yes, who do you write for?
Who is your audience?
Who reads the weblog you write for?
Who credits your thesis next to your supervisor?
Who listens to your radio?
Who follows up the column that you write in that newspaper/newsletter?

You don’t know?! You don’t care? You don’t mind?!

If you write for IPY’s International Essay Contest:

all the ones who are on IPY’s Network, will read your essay;

all the ones who are on Radio Zamaneh’s Network will read your essay;

all the ones who are on Enduring America’s Network will read your essay;

all the ones who are on Foundation for Iranian Studies’ will read your essay.

The choice is yours!

Who do you want to be your audience?

…last few minutes…

I have few minutes to write what I want, before the midnight…but will I manage? Or would it matter? A post is a post, few minutes before or after midnight should not make a difference right?

Himmm…but NO!

It is true that a post is a post, but ‘my’ promise was not just ‘a’ promise…I promised to send a post very single day (still wondering whether that includes weekends or not) till the deadline…

I keep my promise cos I keep having hopes, cos despite all the disappointments I want and I choose to still have hopes…I want to go back, I want to live in Iran…I want to be at HOME again…

I keep up with this…but I need you…I need your ideas, I need your thoughts, I need your essays…I want us to be ‘the’ change, the change that will come by us standing in front of ministries, embassies, offices of United Nations around the world, the change that will come by us supporting each other, the change that comes through sharing our ideas…I keep having hopes, be my hope by writing and sharing…

…can an activist have a weekend?!

I started writing on a Sunday; it was officially during the weekend that I wrote the text…it’s been a very short while that I have promised myself not to work over the weekends, maybe just 2 or 3 hours but not more…weekend is weekend, I promised myself to take care of my body and my mind…I did not want to end up being in the category of ‘burned-out’…so this weekend arrived: I was struggling with the temptation of writing but at the same time was wondering: “Could an activist have a weekend?!”

Weekend would make sense if you have a week that you work and when you reach the end of the week then you do not work any more and that would be your weekend, as simple as this. But now my question is: is activism a work/job? And if so, could an activist have a weekend then?

I am not an activist! I am not an academic either!

I am not anything that is a category, is a label and is a way of being…

I live my way…I do what I want but I can’t hide[1]…

I want to live in/at the moment…and over the last weekend, every single moment I wanted to write, I wanted to share, I wanted to tell you how things work for me…I wanted to write about my disappointments and frustration whenever I got a negative reply from the ones I invited to be part of the jury…I wanted to write about my excitement and pleasure when I got positive replies from the ones I invited to be part of the jury…

I missed writing over the weekend…I want the week to never end…

---

[1] Taken from lyrics of ‘here with me’ by Dido from the album ‘No Angels’

step 2…

...keep writing…keep writing reminders…keep writing reminders for the ones you want to be involved, for the ones you want them to sit in the JURY of IPY’s International Essay Contest: I sent 183 emails just and just for this purpose!

So I keep writing, and you keep reading and following me…do you want to know who is in the jury? I’ll write for you but first let me write down who did we want to be there:

Since this is an academic contest, it was very clear from the beginning that there should be academics on board. We tried to bring teachers from different universities and disciplines together for this jury; at the same time we wanted politicians to be involved as well cos they are the ones who need to hear what has been suggested[1]; moreover, we needed to have the media on bard as well: after all, free media is the fourth pillar of democracy[2]! All in all, we have 6 members for our jury now…from all the groups I mentioned and as we announced in our call as well, IPY board will have a vote in this selection...and that makes us 7!

Do you want to know who is in this jury?
Yes?

Then keep reading cos I keep writing…

---

[1] I will elaborate on this in another post.

[2] Wow! What a sentence…I can question myself about the statement, but let’s do that in another post, deal?

Blank…I’m completely blank…

It’s been one of those days; those days that you think you are empty but you are just actually blank!

...you know that being blank is not equal to being empty, it is just blank! I know these two words are synonyms but not in this context, believe me!

I have a lot going on in my mind, like you, like everyone else, so I am not empty, like you, like everyone else...though when I am blank, I know that I have the information but it’s not completely processed, yet; it is ‘unfinished’; it is devoid of thought and impression...yet there is something there...

It’s one of those bloody blank days...

Since morning I'm trying to write for you, I promised that I will write about ‘how things work for me’, didn't I? I promised to write every single day till the deadline, I want to keep my promise, I will keep my promise...but I'm blank...like the time that I sent all those emails and got no reply, no single reply...the information was there, but it was not processed...how long should I wait? How long could I wait? How long would I wait? 3 days? 5? a week? 10 days? How long?

Today was one of those days...those days that I'm completely blank!

…how many emails?

Never liked administrative tasks…although I am good at it, I never liked it: I am precise, careful and organized but I never liked administrative tasks…it is not challenging: copy-paste; signatures; envelops and stamp; right addresses; correct formulation of the letters and so on so fort…I hardly ever enjoyed it…I say ‘hardly ever’ since there was once that I enjoyed it with every bits of my heart…

After the Grand Opening on 15^th January, it was of course the time to promote the contest, as much as we could; anywhere with anyone who might be interested, from general public to universities, academic institutes, parliament, NGOs working in the filed, magazines, student associations, close friends, relatives, anyone we could…

Inviting students and researchers to participate…
Inviting universities to promote the contest…
Inviting the academics and parliamentarians to sit in the jury…
Inviting the associations to promote the contest among their groups…
Inviting institution to be financial sponsors of the contest…
Inviting close friends to use their own network…
Inviting Facebook to be the contest promoter…
Inviting…inviting YOU to be part of our quest.

How many emails do you think we have sent for this?
10?
50?
100?
More?

Guess! Make a guess and let me know what your estimation is!

Regardless of the number, I absolutely enjoyed this administration…it put me in contact with so many people that I could never ever thought I will be in contact with…

…let’s “think” BIG!

What’s wrong with thinking big? What's wrong with having high hopes and being optimistic? What’s wrong with wanting academics as well as activists have a ‘different’ perspective on the issue at hand? What’s wrong with it?

Asking me?

Nothing! What could be possibly wrong with having high hopes and wanting something different? Nothing! Believe me, nothing!

So here I am…thinking BIG: a three year project; year 1: International Essay Contest; year 2: Sirius Project (a project designed and led by students from different disciplines interested in one topic supervised by University Teachers); year 3: adding this project to University Curriculum as an independent course.

Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?

So here we go: YEAR 1: INTERNATIONAL ESSAY CONTEST

But you know each step is paving the path for the others to come; if this year’s project works, then, there is hope for the next year.

…brushing up the first draft with all the comments given by board…a new draft is out…I like this one a lot more than the other…this has been double checked by Francesco over a great cup of coffee, he is an expert after all, both in academic world and in coffee tasting!

It’s time to announce the birth of my adopted child: it’s 15^th of January 2011; here is “پاتوق” at Mezrab in East-Amsterdam. The Grand Opening of The Iranian Progressive Youth’s International Essay Contest…come all, come along…

step 1...

…it all started like all the other projects: loads of ideas, loads of plans, loads of hope…it was not my initiative, I adopted the contest…though it took me a while to develop it and up-bring it…needed more time to figure out what I really want out of it…it did take some time, I think about a season or two, and Ali waited and the others, granted me enough time and space to realize the objectives of the project…it was in November, I think, that the first draft came out…sitting in “Spargo” assessing the first draft which was far from finished though they were enthusiastic and encouraging and full of hope…

December passed by without noticing, I remember this sentence vividly: “…we dedicated all our time over the last year for the two conferences and our other projects and we all are now behind our regular work and studies…”; he was saying it though I knew he would not take a step back, IPY was already part of his skin…

…came January, fresh start…fresh ideas…fresh plans…I started knitting again for you, in our discussion sessions, my knitting set was there too, it made everyone laugh…it made me think clearly...

I did not want it to be a one year project, I wanted continuation, I wanted it to become a ‘real’ academic deal, part of the curriculum…

…my confessions…never wrote anything which was not titled anything but ‘my confessions’; hence, this is my confession; yet, another one not necessarily a different one. This is merely how things work for me…how things have worked for me, and how things will work for me in one and only one context; and that is the making of IPY’s International Essay Contest…it does not reflect my professional and/or social being, it does not reflect anyone’s being, it is just and just me, me thinking out loud, me writing down my ideas, doubts, excitements, frustration, happiness, tiredness, tears…and hopes. And the moments that I gave up having hopes…the moments that I thought who am I fooling…but still I am writing…does that mean that I still have hopes? I do not want to know that…

IPY Essay Contest 2011

Prospect of Change in Iran

Share your ideas and prospects concerning the possibilities of change in Iran. The top three essays will be published in accredited journal(s) and will also receive a cash prize

Since the Presidential Election in Iran in June 2009, there has been an ongoing debate among and between different national and international political and social groups about the possibilities of change in Iran. Nevertheless, the issue has not been dealt with from an academic perspective sufficiently and adequately.
The Iranian Progressive Youth (IPY) is an independent association which aims at establishing a platform for political, cultural and social activities with special focus on the Iranian struggle for freedom and democracy. As part of its ongoing efforts, IPY has organized an International Essay Contest among students and researchers from different disciplines and has called for answers to the following question:

What are the ways to bring about a democratic change in Iran?

The IPY “International Essay Contest” encourages the interested parties to investigate and explore their ideas - from the idealistic to the realistic - in response to this question from either one, or a combination of, the following perspectives:
1. The role and prospect of the Civil Society;
2. The influence of the Political Structure;
3. The position and responsibility of International Community.

The top three essays will be published in internationally accredited journal(s) and
* the first-prize essay will receive €500 and the IPY Essay Award + Zamaneh Essay Award;
* the second-prize essay will receive €250;
* the third-prize essay will receive €150.

Moreover, all the submitted essays will be published on the essay contest’s website.
Participation in this essay contest is open to any (former) student and researcher of any institution of higher education in any field and discipline.
The theme of the essays should be directly linked to Iran and the 2009 Presidential election and its aftermath and will be judged on two criteria:
1. Scientific quality, especially in deepening the understanding of the subject and its social relevance.
2. Innovative elements, creativity and originality in subject matter and its effects, and/or delving into a subject that has been presented but not explored in sufficient depth.

Submitted essays must:
1. be in English or Dutch;
2. be between 1500 - 2500 words. Essays longer than 3000 will not accepted;
3. be in Word Document format (.doc and not .docx) (font ‘Times New Roman’, size 12, double spacing);
4. be delivered digitally to essay@iranpy.net
CD-ROM, Floppy Disks, videos and tapes are not accepted.
5. be received by 10th April 2011 9:00 PM GMT.

The participants are requested to download and fill out the ‘Participation Form’ from the essay contest website. (link)

IPY will appoint a jury which will consist of 3 university teachers/professors from Dutch Universities in different fields and 3 Parliamentarians from the Dutch Parliament and the European Parliament. The IPY Board holds one vote in this jury.
The members of the jury will be announced in due time.
Participants in the contest will receive a confirmation of their submission. The authors of the selected essays will be informed by 25th April 2011; the essays which have not been selected will receive a notification around the same time.
Only papers that meet all the conditions mentioned in this document will be assessed.
The decision of the jury is not subject to appeal.
For more information about the contest refer to Essay Contest Website, or contact us at essay@iranpy.net

Confirm your attendance at the Facebook event here

Sponsors: Hivos, Radio Zamaneh , Foundation for Iranian Studies

Iranian Progressive Youth

www.iranpy.net